Ladies and Gentlemen this is mambo #5...

my motto...

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 22:57:46 -0700

make noise. take naps. eat snacks.
make stuff out of macaroni.
- Alaric Albiso, professional (perpetual) kindergartner

Ever since I was a young lad,With a part time dad,It was hard to find happiness inside of what I...

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 17:31:55 -0700

Ever since I was a young lad,With a part time dad,It was hard to find happiness inside of what I had,I studied my mother,I digested her pain,And vowed no woman on my path would have to walk the same,Travel like sound across the fate ladder,I travel with spoon to mix this cake batter,And i travel with feels so i can deal with touch,Its like that,Thank you very much

I've never...

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 08:24:47 -0800

told a lie; now that makes me a liar

I’ve never made a bet; but I gamble with desire

I’ve never lit a match with intent to start a fire

but the flames are getting out of control….

Nanae Mimura she’s like a rock star! an actual music video...

Wed, 10 Mar 2010 00:45:27 -0800

Nanae Mimura she’s like a rock star! an actual music video featuring a percussionist playing vibes and marimba!!

oh man why does my culture have to be so goofy???

Mon, 01 Mar 2010 22:08:46 -0800

oh man why does my culture have to be so goofy???

I love...

Thu, 25 Feb 2010 01:53:03 -0800

All the coming of age that has happened this week…our little Kelly and Kalena are all grown up now…good times tonight good times…

elegant.: my birthday was amazing!!!!

Mon, 22 Feb 2010 22:39:10 -0800

elegant.: my birthday was amazing!!!!:

i can not even begin to tell you how happy i am.

im just im just im just ummm so FREAKING HAPPY!

everyone i love to death came to my birthday dinner last night and then my elderly friends took me to the bars and it was amazing let me tell you. i got the best most amazing letter from my sister….

umm I don’t like being called elderly i’m just more experienced lol….

I think...

Mon, 22 Feb 2010 17:45:55 -0800

I need to start therapy again…my depression has become over whelming…I don’t know where my life is heading…I once knew exactly why I was doing everything but now that I’m single those things just don’t matter…I don’t have a reason to go back to California but I also don’t know what’s here for me in Boise…im so lost…the support systems that I once had have all came crumbling down…the family that was ever so welcoming and excited has all but forgotten I’m up here…I don’t know who my friends, acquicatences, people that deal with me, or people who hate me are…I just need to get things sorted out…

i've been out with friends 2 or 3 times this week...

Mon, 22 Feb 2010 01:21:39 -0800

and each time I’m out I’m reminded of where I stand in the pecking order…i’m still just another face at the social events…people say hi but no gets overly excited….just one night I want to make someone’s night because I’m there….just one night….

I can't find myself, I've lookd EVERYWHERE!

Wed, 17 Feb 2010 20:57:50 -0800

“There is another interesting paradox here: by immersing ourselves in what we love, we find ourselves. We do not lose ourselves. One does not lose one’s identity by falling in love.”

Lukas Foss was a German Composer. I have probably had more personal growth and confusion come from the words of Musicians. Beethoven always rides the fine line with me of genius and madman which I seem to gravitate to but then again music is my greatest passion. I am probably more drawn to him because he was mad. For many years, I thought that was unhealthy like when our parents tell us not to date someone because they are too eccentric and not stable enough to support us.
I think many Artists ride along a disturbing journey where they beat themselves up repeatedly, thereby learning the lessons over a longer period of time and experiencing some pretty nasty self-loathing. Lose yourself, find yourself, don’t care about yourself, reacquaint yourself with yourself; it’s all very emotionally-based and cluttered. I think I will never have the simple approach to finding oneself, but I do believe Foss is certainly on to something.

How many times have I looked all over this earth for myself? The Gurus always say, “Look within” which is a description that seems a bit too ego-based for my liking which is really a laugh considering we are, after all, looking for OURSELF. lol! I just think “Look within” is far too wide of a brush stroke for people who are truly lost. You go to some spiritual seminar on Friday night and you are driving home with, “The answer is in you if you will only look” and you are left think “WTF are they going on about?” See, as true as it is, it doesn’t feel like something practical a lost soul can really dig their teeth into.
When Foss said, “…by immersing ourselves in what we love, we find ourselves” I am not sure even that would have struck a chord with me when I was lost, but now after the fact (oh hind sight and its perfect 20/20 vision) I see how this is the ultimate truth. This is only because in looking back, it’s worked for me.

The other thing I have noticed is when I can look at myself how others see me, (or if you have a belief in a higher power, look at yourself how God sees you) it’s also helpful too. Our friends, parents etc quite often have a better grip on who we are.
I have for almost a decade been gradually immersing myself in what I love. Now take out the financial part where you can only do what you love in between making money. That isn’t what I mean. I believe it is possible to immerse yourself even when you are busy. If you are cleaning the house, you can crank music that feeds your soul. When you are surfing the net, you can go to sites that feed your passion. When you go out, you can choose a museum, park or a movie.

I think what has happened to me over the years is I have had my head held under the water by things I don’t love instead of immersing myself in things that are more indicative of me. It’s a sort of rebellion that I have had to implement in order to get past it. I’ve had to say no to going to dance clubs or movie theaters with films I don’t want to see. I have had to consciously refrain from political or religious conversations because every time I have one, I walk away feeling separated from others. Basically, I had to be by myself for a while so I could clear enough of this emotional clutter away. For so many years, I have been withdrawn in order to get reacquainted with me again.
It was an awful lot of alone time and a ton of loneliness before I felt brave enough to immerse myself in my passions again. But, it’s happening. Foss said we don’t lose ourselves by doing so and that “…one does not lose one’s identity by falling in love” How true is that?

For me, it’s falling in love with the music and the art but more so LIFE…grabbing hold of what makes me feel alive and doing it with everything I have…and reserving the right to do absolutely nothing if I love to do that too. :)
Hope you are getting to know you. :)

Thought I’d add this by Beethoven as well,

“Music is a higher revelation than all wisdom and philosophy.” Ludwig van Beethoven

and once again...

Wed, 17 Feb 2010 19:37:07 -0800

it’s dinner for one…

So you were born, that was a good day. Someday you’ll die, and that is a shame. But somewhere...

Tue, 16 Feb 2010 00:48:30 -0800

So you were born, that was a good day. Someday you’ll die, and that is a shame. But somewhere in the between we live a life of which we all dream - and nothing or no one will ever take that away.

hello...

Mon, 15 Feb 2010 19:58:00 -0800

Computer screen…sometimes I feel as if you are my only friend…

Log into facebook...

Mon, 15 Feb 2010 14:12:26 -0800

and I see those words…Stephanie Rittenhouse is in a realtionship…why does she still effect me like this…why is it so hard for me to move on…why was she able to say I don’t love you anymore and then start dating someone just like that…and is now in a relationship…what’s wrong with me??

Photo

Mon, 15 Feb 2010 00:49:14 -0800

I need...

Sun, 14 Feb 2010 20:14:31 -0800

A best friend… I don’t think I’ve ever really had one…Kelly has talked about all the circles of people in life…starting with the small cirlcles and getting bigger…that’s what I lack…the small circles..I’m always the guy that’s there at the social events or you say hi to when you pass on the halls at school…but I’ve never had that friend or friends that have been almost a family to me…where there mom is like my mom and vise versa…where I don’t have to worry about what I’m doing on the weekend because I know that we will find some type of shinanigins to get into…that if something is bothering me I know I can go to them and even if they don’t know how to help me they give me a shoulder to cry on…now I know I can go to any one of you in a time of need but I know I’m not the first choice on any of your lists…maybe it’s because I grew up alone that now I have this curse of being introverted…that I can keep myself busy alone night after night….but it gets old…I guess that’s why I’ve always made excuses…when I worked I picked up as many hours as possible…I stay at school several hours after school when I don’t need to be there…so then u can say well I don’t have time or I don’t really need that…when in fact it’s the complete opposite…I truly want/need those little circles…

look like...

Sun, 14 Feb 2010 17:29:51 -0800

me myself and i are my valentines…

this is me...

Sun, 14 Feb 2010 15:16:53 -0800

I sometimes eat peanut butter out of the jar. I’m not always the neatest person, and I sometimes sleep til noon. I’m a night owl for sure. I can stay up all night reading a good book. I sometimes have to force myself to turn off the light. I like the cold side of the pillow. I’m a writer but rarely share it with others. I think I’m creative, I don’t know if anyone else thinks so but I do. I am my own person. I’m independent but need others to balance me out. I’m a deep thinker. I’m sometimes quiet, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m shy. I have a great sense of humor. I love to laugh and I am easy going. I like to meet new people and I am easy to talk to. I’m open-minded and I love just talking and discussing different things. I believe that there’s good in everyone; that everyone is worthwhile simply because they exist. I’m living my life! I’m sleeping, I’m waking. I’m dreaming, I’m believing. I’m falling, I’m rising. I’m in the light more than I’m in the dark lately. I feel right now sometimes that I’m not doing enough with my life. I’m definitely not where I thought I’d be when I was 23, you know, I remember being like ten years old and day dreaming about what my life when I was in my twenties and I am certainly not that guy, and really I had unrealistic expectations as a child, but then again who’s to say that what I wanted then is what I want now? I’m trying to make things better. I’m picking up the pieces. Sometimes life happens is a really shitty way and when my mom got sick that turned my whole life around and the way I look at things. I think I’m going to be ok.I’m an idealist.

now if I can just find someone who sees the same in me…this

You know what is really nice?

Sun, 14 Feb 2010 15:06:34 -0800

ireachforthestars:

Not having your boyfriend tell you happy valentines day. Not a word,or a call or text. Zilch. Actaully, not having your boyfriend appreciate you, thats the one that gets me.

When were together he doesnt talk to me, at all. The communication in the realtionship, i feel right now, is non-existant. I just feel like another friend. A blip on the map if you will. I dont want to feel this way. I want to be cared for, and I want my boyfriend to show that he really does want to be with me.

Gah, this is so frustrating. i just feel truly un-important to him. And this scares me. I HATE feeling this way. I hope something soon will reassure me of his adoration for me..

please?

I think i need another night on simplot hill to clear my head.

:(

Hopefully he will come around. In the short time we’ve known each other you have showed me how much of an amazing person you are. And if someone has your heart and messes that up then I feel sorry for them.

How to write a paper in college

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 23:42:53 -0800

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lit place in front of your computer.

2. Log onto facebook and tumblr (be sure to go on away!). Check your email.

3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some chocolate to help you concentrate.

5. Check your email.

6. Call up a friend and ask if he/she wants to go to grab a coffee. Just to get settled down and ready to work.

7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lit place.

8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.

9. Check your email.

10. You know, you haven’t written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You’d better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.

11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

12. Grab some mp3s off of frostwire.

13. Check your email.

14. Facebook chat with one of your friends about the future. (ie summer plans).

15. Check your email.

16. Listen to your new mp3s and download some more.

17. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she’s started writing yet. Exchange derogatory emarks about your prof, the
course, the college, the world at large.

18. Walk to the store and buy a pack of gum. You’ve probably run out.

19. While you’ve got the gum you may as well buy a magazine and read it.

20. Check your email.

21. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren’t missing something truly worthwhile on TV.

22. Play some farmville

23. Check out the stumble button

24. Wash your hands.

25. Call up a friend to see how much they have done, probably haven’t started either.

26. Look through your housemate’s book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.

27. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

28. Check to see if Facebook has been updated yet.

29. Check your email and listen to your new mp3s.

30. You should be thirsty by now

31. Read over the assignment one more time, just for heck of it.

32. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

33. Lie face down on the floor and moan.

34. Punch the wall and break something.

35. Check your email.

36. Mumble obscenities.

37. 5am - start hacking on the paper without stopping. 6am -paper is finished.

38. Complain to everyone that you didn’t get any sleep because you had to write that stupid paper.

39. Go to class, hand in paper, and leave right away so you can take a nap.