make noise. take naps. eat snacks.
make stuff out of macaroni.
- Alaric Albiso, professional (perpetual) kindergartner

Ever since I was a young lad,With a part time dad,It was hard to find happiness inside of what I had,I studied my mother,I digested her pain,And vowed no woman on my path would have to walk the same,Travel like sound across the fate ladder,I travel with spoon to mix this cake batter,And i travel with feels so i can deal with touch,Its like that,Thank you very much

told a lie; now that makes me a liar

I’ve never made a bet; but I gamble with desire

I’ve never lit a match with intent to start a fire

but the flames are getting out of control….

All the coming of age that has happened this week…our little Kelly and Kalena are all grown up now…good times tonight good times…

I need to start therapy again…my depression has become over whelming…I don’t know where my life is heading…I once knew exactly why I was doing everything but now that I’m single those things just don’t matter…I don’t have a reason to go back to California but I also don’t know what’s here for me in Boise…im so lost…the support systems that I once had have all came crumbling down…the family that was ever so welcoming and excited has all but forgotten I’m up here…I don’t know who my friends, acquicatences, people that deal with me, or people who hate me are…I just need to get things sorted out…

and each time I’m out I’m reminded of where I stand in the pecking order…i’m still just another face at the social events…people say hi but no gets overly excited….just one night I want to make someone’s night because I’m there….just one night….

“There is another interesting paradox here: by immersing ourselves in what we love, we find ourselves. We do not lose ourselves. One does not lose one’s identity by falling in love.”

Lukas Foss was a German Composer. I have probably had more personal growth and confusion come from the words of Musicians. Beethoven always rides the fine line with me of genius and madman which I seem to gravitate to but then again music is my greatest passion. I am probably more drawn to him because he was mad. For many years, I thought that was unhealthy like when our parents tell us not to date someone because they are too eccentric and not stable enough to support us.
I think many Artists ride along a disturbing journey where they beat themselves up repeatedly, thereby learning the lessons over a longer period of time and experiencing some pretty nasty self-loathing. Lose yourself, find yourself, don’t care about yourself, reacquaint yourself with yourself; it’s all very emotionally-based and cluttered. I think I will never have the simple approach to finding oneself, but I do believe Foss is certainly on to something.

How many times have I looked all over this earth for myself? The Gurus always say, “Look within” which is a description that seems a bit too ego-based for my liking which is really a laugh considering we are, after all, looking for OURSELF. lol! I just think “Look within” is far too wide of a brush stroke for people who are truly lost. You go to some spiritual seminar on Friday night and you are driving home with, “The answer is in you if you will only look” and you are left think “WTF are they going on about?” See, as true as it is, it doesn’t feel like something practical a lost soul can really dig their teeth into.
When Foss said, “…by immersing ourselves in what we love, we find ourselves” I am not sure even that would have struck a chord with me when I was lost, but now after the fact (oh hind sight and its perfect 20/20 vision) I see how this is the ultimate truth. This is only because in looking back, it’s worked for me.

The other thing I have noticed is when I can look at myself how others see me, (or if you have a belief in a higher power, look at yourself how God sees you) it’s also helpful too. Our friends, parents etc quite often have a better grip on who we are.
I have for almost a decade been gradually immersing myself in what I love. Now take out the financial part where you can only do what you love in between making money. That isn’t what I mean. I believe it is possible to immerse yourself even when you are busy. If you are cleaning the house, you can crank music that feeds your soul. When you are surfing the net, you can go to sites that feed your passion. When you go out, you can choose a museum, park or a movie.

I think what has happened to me over the years is I have had my head held under the water by things I don’t love instead of immersing myself in things that are more indicative of me. It’s a sort of rebellion that I have had to implement in order to get past it. I’ve had to say no to going to dance clubs or movie theaters with films I don’t want to see. I have had to consciously refrain from political or religious conversations because every time I have one, I walk away feeling separated from others. Basically, I had to be by myself for a while so I could clear enough of this emotional clutter away. For so many years, I have been withdrawn in order to get reacquainted with me again.
It was an awful lot of alone time and a ton of loneliness before I felt brave enough to immerse myself in my passions again. But, it’s happening. Foss said we don’t lose ourselves by doing so and that “…one does not lose one’s identity by falling in love” How true is that?

For me, it’s falling in love with the music and the art but more so LIFE…grabbing hold of what makes me feel alive and doing it with everything I have…and reserving the right to do absolutely nothing if I love to do that too. :)
Hope you are getting to know you. :)

Thought I’d add this by Beethoven as well,

“Music is a higher revelation than all wisdom and philosophy.” Ludwig van Beethoven